


PTSD

by Midwestfagg



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: 19 days - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, Engagement, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, He tian - Freeform, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jian Yi - Freeform, Kidnapping, M/M, Mo Guan Shan, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tianshan - Freeform, Zhan Zheng Xi - Freeform, Zhanyi, old xian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:35:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midwestfagg/pseuds/Midwestfagg
Summary: Jian Yi was kidnapped yet again and when he returned home to Zhan Zheng Xi, he is an absolute mess. Zheng Xi is willing and able to care for him in his stressful world but Jian Yi feels as if he's a burden.or Jian Yi doesn't want to bother Zhan Zheng Xi with his trauma but Xi loves him and wants to help.
Relationships: Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 85





	PTSD

Yet another one of those nights where he awoke and felt wrong. It wasn’t even like he had a nightmare, everything just felt off.

It was pitch black in the shared bedroom as Jian Yi cracked open his eyes slightly. Good, he was still at home. Zhan Zheng Xi was on the other side of the bed, asleep with his back to the blonde with one of the spare blankets from the closet. That meant Jian Yi had all the blankets and Xi Xi must have wakened up in the middle of the night and take one for himself. It made the blonde sick to know that he just kept taking from his patient and caring boyfriend. The kind of sick that you could feel faintly in the pits of your stomach and a restless ache in your bones.

Eventually, Jian Yi rolled over to check the time. 3 a.m. It was so close to morning, why couldn’t he just force himself to sleep till morning? Life would be so much easier for both Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi but he couldn’t even sleep to the sunrise. 

Needing to go back to sleep, for Zheng Xi’s sake, he wished to, or at least, he craved to be able to sleep. He desired to be a healthy, normal person and just simply fall asleep just as easily as he had awoken. He couldn’t shake the voice that he should’ve been by now.

Oh, this wasn’t enough. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way and he hated when he did. His body tensed in waves while his head throbbed from a lack of sleep induced migraine and he felt his legs slowly pull up to his chest. He was going into a fetal position like he usually did when his body was going in emergency mode. He moved a hand to his chest to check his pulse and the pulse unsteady. Tears pricked at his eyes while his mental health deteriorated even more. Why was he so weak?

No, his pulse couldn’t be that severe, he was all making it up in his head, right? Honestly, whenever he panicked here, usually all of this was made up in his head. He was safe and stable here, Zhan Zheng would keep him safe and sound. He was spiraling and needed to stop. He squirmed in his bed to try to shake the worthless feeling in his body before he rolled over completely to watch his fiance sleep and focus on his breathing.

Nevertheless, Jian Yi reached out to Zheng Xi’s vague outline in the dark and let his hand gently touch the blanket. He needed to stay close to Xi but he didn’t want to wake him up. This was real, he was here with Zheng Xi. The way the bed sank was he laid in the bed and the blanket was holding him in a snug hug meant he wasn’t back there. He wasn’t chained to the floor like he was when he was held captive. But he was now safe. His Xi, his lovely Xi was here in bed with him meaning they were both safe.

But somehow, Xi seemed so far away. Breathing heavily and evenly, Jian Yi could tell that Zhan Zheng was in a deep sleep, finally getting the rest he so well deserved. He rarely got a chance to sleep between continuing university, working a part-time job, and taking care of Jian Yi and the apartment. Jian Yi felt bad but Yi couldn’t be trusted to take care of the apartment in moderation and Jian Yi himself, couldn’t be trusted to care for himself because he was a mess. Zheng Xi took care of everything because Jian YI couldn’t do anything but freak out and cry and work himself into a panic over nothing.

There was a little rational voice in the back of Yi’s head telling him that he was spiraling. It was usually there before things got extremely bad and Jian Yi always knew he was spiraling. He also knew that if he was in this situation he was supposed to wake Xi up and ask for help. He got told that every morning after a bad night, even if he didn’t tell Zheng Xi, he knew. He always knew.

But Jian Yi never woke Xi up. He never would, his lover needed the rest and Jian Yi knew he was being over sensitive and was overreacting. Zhan Zheng Xi had to work in the morning and if Jian Yi woke him up now he’d miss his well-deserved rest. He needed downtime and that didn’t include this, a middle-of-the-night comfort session of his pointless panic. 

God, he was so damn worthless. Xi Xi put so much effort into taking care of him and living his own life while Jian Yi was just stuck being a mess. Putting a hand to cover his mouth to stifle the first sob that racked his body, Jian Yi could tell his heart was racing, he could hear it in his ears. Quiet, be quiet he told himself, he couldn’t wake up Zheng Xi and be a nuisance, he had to be good. He clenched his jaw and tried to push his feeling away so he didn’t feel like he was fading away into the darkness of the shared bedroom.

Being stuck like this, Jian Yi was frozen between panic and pain until his boyfriend, Xi woke up an ungodly time later. So when Zhan Zheng sat up on the edge of his bed, his breath stopped. Did he wake him up and disturbed his precious sleep? Zhan Zhen Xi got up and Jian Yi listened to his footsteps cross the room and the shut of the bathroom door. 

While Xi was away, Jian Yi allowed himself one long gasping breath. He had to hide the fact that he was awake because his Zheng Xi found him awake, he’d insist on staying up until the blonde had fallen asleep. He had before and the aftermath was unbearable because when Xi stayed up all night listening to him and rubbing his back, he was exhausted the next day.

When Xi came back from using the bathroom, Jian Yi held his breath and didn’t move. He rolled to his side so he was facing Xi but in a sleepy manner so it looked like he was asleep. He prayed Zhan Zheng thought he was asleep too. 

As he hoped, Zheng Xi laid back down in bed and got settled again. His heart was thumping and his chest and throat, burning from the lack of air but he had to wait to Xi’s breathing slowed. Zheng Xi sighed and rolled over in search of comfort and he faced Jian Yi. The blonde tensed further and he held himself completely still. Not a whimper, not a twitch not anything. For a minute he could hope that Zheng Xi wasn’t suspicious. 

And then Xi’s hand reached out at him.

Jian Yi shuddered as he saw the faint black shape, hearing Xi’s covers shift as he felt threatened by the hand getting closer. He was afraid of Zhan Zheng Xi would do, he promised never to hurt Jian Yi but it was still hard not to be terrified

Zheng Xi didn’t touch him and even though he thought Jian Yi was asleep, he didn’t touch. His hand hovered in front of his nose and mouth for a few seconds while Jian Yi’s mind raced. Jian YI didn’t want to get hurt.

Zhan Zheng Xi shifted again, propping himself up an elbow as he gently shook Jian YI awake, “Jian Yi?” his voice was soft, “Jian Yi please wake up,”

It was an order, Jian YI opened his eyes and took a breath to speak, to say- what? What was he supposed to say?

“Yi, you okay?”

Jian Yi made a humming noise, afraid of his voice being too wobbly. But he had to respond properly, “uh, yeah. Yes.”

Zheng Xi rubbed the back of his neck, “Sorry for waking you… you just weren’t breathing and I got worried.”

Tears came to Jian Yi’s eyes as he let out a desperate chuckle. Of course, Zhan Zheng was worried and made sure he was okay. Jian Yi was stupid, why didn’t he just fall slow breathing? Now Xi was going to find out and be angry with him. God he so damn stupid-

“Yi, take deep breathes okay? Remember? It’s okay.”

Jian Yi didn’t even notice how fast and uneven his breathing was getting but it was another order. He had to listen. He squeezed his fists until he had white knuckles as he tried his hardest to even his breathing.

“That’s it, you’re okay, that’s it.”

And now he was crying, just as he had feared, Zheng XI was wake and trying to take care of him instead of getting sleep. But Zhan Zheng Xi had told him to take deep breathes so he did, he didn’t want to be bad because for some reason he was so desperately afraid and sorry for lying to Zhan Zheng Xi.

“Keep going, Jian Yi, you’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you, I hope you know that.”

Jian Yi just responded with a whimper. He didn’t deserve the love and praise that he was being given. It had to be because Xi didn’t know he had been lying. He has to tell him.

“I-” He exhaled while speaking and still breathing as Xi told him to, “I was… awake.”

“Okay,” Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice continued to be soft.

“Lied.” Jian YI sniffled as his breathing picked up again, “I lied,”

“Jian Yi, it’s okay. Remember your breathing. You’re perfectly fine”

“Did-dn’t want to-” Jian Yi’s breath hitched, hard. He had to breathe deeply like Xi said, “wake you,” he exhaled. 

“Oh, Yi...” Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice was soft and loving still, “You know you’re allowed to wake me.”

An agreeing hum came from Jian Yi was the only response from the blonde for a few minutes before he began speaking again, “So-sorry, sorry Xi. I just- you get so t-tired.” It was less than speaking, it came out as a stressed whine but Jian Yi only got more nervous as Zheng Xi stared in silence, "You just- you spend all your time l-looking after me."

"Breathe, love. I have plenty of time to myself, trust me. You're so much better than you were, you've come so far and done so well. I love looking after you, you know that? I love all the time I spend with you, no matter when it is or what we're doing."

"B-But you'll be tired," Jian Yi pleaded.

"Aren't you going to be tired, too?"

Yi didn't have a reply to that straight away, confused, because of course, he would be tired but he didn't matter, it was Xi who mattered, Xi would insist that Yi mattered too. He knew what Zheng Xi would say, that if Ty was tired, he wanted to help him go back asleep.

"Don't worry about me." Zheng Xi said with a slight chuckle, "I'll be okay. I'll take care of myself. Remember what I said? That I only want you to worry about yourself? If you need me, you can tell me that. No matter what time it is. Got it?"

"Y-Yes," Jian Yi said and then cleared his throat, "yes."

"So next time you wake up and feel like this, promise me you'll wake me too, so I can help?

"Promise," he sighed, just as he'd been asked. Do  
what he was asked, wake Zheng Xi up because he was supposed to, it was what he wanted, he had to  
do what Xi wanted.

Mind still fuzzy with sleep, Xi Xi heard only the agreement. "Good," he sighed.

Jian Yi relaxed because Zheng Xi said he was good. It was over now, he was forgiven, he had begged enough. Zhan Zheng was so kind, so, so wonderful for not punishing him even though he knew he never would, Jian Yi still had underlying doubts. He would be good, he would be better. He would follow all of Xi's orders. He would wake him up next time.


End file.
